FINAL FAREWELL

I have been writing this blog for the longest time in my mind. I actually start of by telling you my story. I would like to introduce myself to you all. So that maybe you will understand how i become who I' am. But then I realize you need not know who i was or how i became who you may think you know of me. Either you accept me for who I' am or you don't. I' am not the best person any of you ever met, I know that. I haven't been the friend any of you ever need. I haven't been that person any of you ever hoped me to be. But i sure as hell did try my best to be enough. to be who i could be. All i wanted was to be accepted and most of all be enough. Be enough to be appreciated. Be enough to be cared for. Be enough for people to hang on to. All i wanted to be was a friend. You see, back in high school i remember telling a friend, that when i die, and am rich, i wouldn't want people delivering eulogy or flowers or whatever. I don't want people to put on words about me. I want people to dedicate me a song. Each person i' am important to. And who ever give the song "wind beneath my Wings" to me, I'd give them a million worth of inheritance. Yup, too materialistic, I know. It's not that the song is a funeral song or whatever, why i picked it. I choose that song because i wanna know, that even at the very end of my life, even if i never learned bout it, i wanna mean something to someone. I wanna know that people depended on me. That I am worthy. That's why in terms of friendship am the neediest and the most stupid being that ever lived. That is why i could live with just the word "thank you". if you still wanna see what i first wrote, i believe i haven't deleted that post yet in this page. But it's you choice. Just don't pity mo more than i pity myself right now.

Ye see, i live vicariously through music. What i can't be, what i can't speak of, I try to channel it through song. I have my life songs listed. I have different songs in different moods, different events, and different instances of my life.

When i feel thankful and just grateful for my being i listen to

"ALIVE"(jennifer lopez)
(i guess I've found my way, it's simple when it's right, feeling lucky just to be here tonight, I'm happy, just to be me, and be alive)


When i feel tired or depressed, when i feel like giving up i listen to this music:
Yup, a lot of mariah Carey songs, When You BELIEVE, Can't take that away. But here are the very distinct few (yup am always depress so i listen to them a lot)

WE CAN by LeAnn Rimes
(they will fill your head with doubts, but that won't stop us now, so let them say we can't do it. We Can Do the impossible. We won't stop, cause we got, to make a difference in this life)

WIN by Brian McKnight
(i love this whole song, it so lift up my energy at times i need it but there is one line that i so live in.(i'll make sure they'll remember my name a hundred years from now) )

When i wanna look forward at the end. The fulfillment of it all. It is the fulfillment of my purpose. It is my end. When i think about it, i listen to this:

The WORLD's GREATEST
R. Kelly

I'm a mountain, I'am a tall tree
I'am a swift wind, sweeping the country
I'am a river, down in the valley
I'am a vision and i can see clearly
If any body ask you who I'am
Just stand up tall, look'em in the face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it, I'm the world's greatest
I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it, I'm the world's greatest

I'am a giant, I'am a eagle
I'am a lion, down in the jungle
I'am a march'n band, I'am the people
I'am a helping hand, I'am a hero

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it, I'm the world's greatest
I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs agains the ropes
I can feel it, I'm the world's greatest

In the ring of life I'll reign love
And the world will notice a king
When all darkness i'll shine a light
And use a success you'll find in me

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it, I'm the world's greatest
I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs agains the ropes
I can feel it, I'm the world's greatest

I saw the light
At the end of a tunnel
Believe in the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow
And faith was right there
To pull me through, yeah
Used to be locked doors
Now I can just walk on through
Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey
It's the greatest
I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it, I'm the world's greatest

I wrote the whole song so you'll know why. I want it to be the song of my life. I want people to look up to me. I wanna affect people. I want a legacy. Cause i never wanna be forgotten. You see, people tend to forget those who leave. People tend to forget who you are. All my life i feel repressed. I feel unwelcome. I feel unappreciated. i never feel enough. That is why i wanna be someone. i don't need to be famous, i don't need to be reach. All i want is to be remembered. To be important to somebody. I value the meaning of friend deeply, more than any of you could define it's meaning. It's one word that is so important to me that i never knew how to use it. That i took time before i learn how to use it. That it took time before i could call someone a friend. It's all i ever wanted. Even if the world doesn't see me as a hero, at least those who i lived for will. But i guess that dream is just pipe. That was my dream, now it is a pipe dream. Something i know would never ever happen. Cause even if i try, nothing ever happens. I'm still the worthless person I've ever been. I'm still the mediocre my family see me off. I'm still these pathetic looser for a loner you'll ever know.

See, as i said i live vicariously through music. See, i have this song that's been playing in my head for the last year. I've been meaning to use it but i dunno when the right time is. Then one day it hit me. I thought, i know you'll all be leaving cea ahead of me (don't get me wrong am happy for all of you) and when that time comes, this is the song i wanna listen and share to you all. And that is the music I used to the Arki_Uno tribute. See, i was suppose to finish that for the Christmas party last year, but i don't think it's the right time. The i thought, your thesis ends right before the the college week starts, so i thought maybe I'll finish it, then play it during the video presentation of events for the cafa week. It'd be my gift to you all. But then, there have been a turn of events. At the moment, i can't help myself get to it. It might have been the perfect time, but for me it wasn't anymore. Those where one of the darkest moment of my life. For the whole week of the event i have to repress all of the pain and the depression. I can't fall down then. Too many people depend on me. I can't give in to all of it. it's one of the hardest thing i ever did in my entire life. A can feel my self trembling. I'am so breaking. My life is about to fall, but if i did so will the rest of the students. There is not a single time of day that i never wanna cry. I bottle it all up. That is one reason why i carry around sunglasses. Even as i walk the streets i can feel my tear ducts working. I've screamed to one too many person. What's hard for me is that all of those temper tantrums, it's the person in front of the battle line i hurt, charity, amor, tine, oien, em, melyn, all of them. They are the only ones who never left me at the time. I was falling. falling harder than you'll ever know.

That is one reason i can't put myself into making the video. Because at the moment, i don't even feel that feeling i had before. The feeling of gratitude. Happiness for your success. All the pride i had for you all. I've forgotten. I was mad. I was so disappointed. I can't help but wonder if it was you guys who are unworthy or me? I can't help but wonder it you are being selfish or I'am? I can't help but wonder am i really not enough? See, i'll never ever forget that college week. The day you learn the top 10 best thesis. That was one of the darkest day of the week. That was a weak point for me. I don't know what is wrong, for me to hope that i can lean on to the friendship i thought was there or for me to drag you onto my misery. At the moment i don't know how to feel. I dunno what to feel. I thought maybe I really am not that important that no One would notice if i'm down or maybe it's just that nobody care. I remember walking out of that office. seeing you all seating at the stairs. I was trembling but i guess nobody cares enough even ask me what's up or nobody cares enough to notice. It really hurt me a lot when the first person to notice me was carla. That the only person who did not leave me that day was melyn. I was standing right in front of you and noOne even bothered to ask. you were all busy where could sir pao be. And the very moment you learn that he's gonna be late, you all went to your favorite place. Their dorm.

It was perhaps the greatest day for most of you. It was reality. It is all coming onto you. The biggest thing in your college life right? sino nga naman ba ako para agawin ko yung moment n yun. I'll admit at the time, all i felt was hatred. Galit n galit ako. Galit ako sa admin, galit ako ke pax, galit ako sa mundo, galit ako senyo. I blame everyone for my misery. It's the worst i ever felt in a long time. I feel so alone. Then i thought, wala b talaga kong halaga s inyo that when you get what you all wanted you forget about me. Tapos n nga naman kayo sa thesis. Pagod n kayo. Hindi ko nga naman naramdaman yung pagod at hirap n yun. Hindi ko nga naman alam yung pakiramdam at ang gusto nyo lang eh magpakasaya muna kasi you all deserve it. Then i thought, don't i deserve it din. Wala ba akong karapatan sa tahimik n mundo?

Sorry for all of this. Am not here para magsermon at kunsenXahin kayo. O kung anuman. I'am here to apologize. I would like to apologize cause i think of you that way. But I'am telling all of this to you now so you'll understand. So you'll know what i've been through. That's is why i put all of it in past tense. Cause it's what i felt. whot i thought. It all was. At that moment i felt mad cause i can't stop thinking how selfish you all are, that i've been used. That after everything i've done, in me very time of need, i found myself alone. I thought naging masaya lang kayo ayaw nyo nang magulo, gusto nyo nang makahinga kahit alam nyo n ako, am not at my best at the time. Lahat ng oras n yun ang nasa isip ko lang, ganon b kayo kaselfish? Sorry ulit, it's what i thought. Then after all the galit, lahat yun napalitan ng awa. Awa sa sarili. I'am back to my old self pity state. I thought am i not that important to any of them that noOne ever thought i need help? Am i so unworthy that i don't deserve anything? I'am not just wallowing. I'am so down. Ilang beses sa buong college week yung pinigilan ko n maiyak. I thought if you are my friends i shouldn't have to ask for you to offer yer hands. At eto ang pinaka malaking kong kasalanan, is inisip ko ang word n "utang na loob" I know i've promised you all that i'll be there for you, n hindi humihingi ng kapalit. I made my promises to you and i don't wan't you to promise to help me back in return, remember? I can even remember telling Mean that she doesn't have to return me the favor,
I can still remember my words "please wag kang magpromise cause i don't want you to feel obliged, cause am doing it as a friend, at wag mong tanawing utang n loob, cause if you do then that would mean am asking for something in return." am i right Mean?

But i was so depress then that i forgot about my promise. I dishonor my own words. I asked you all for something in return. i asked for your help, i asked for your friendship. Which appears to be too much. I had this on my thoughts "after everything i've done for everyone, they can't even return the favor for the simplest effort"... Ye see guys, i had this conversation with Charity. I was thinking, why do i have to ask? shouldn't they just come and be of help? what is it with me? if it was someone like Mean, or Joseph, or Ate Mye, you would all come running for help, but when it was me, i became the mean, egocentric, control-freak, selfish and with god-complex bitch, that no one would care? i thought when mae was having problem with her guy, everyone was there for her, when mean and ticoy had the flip and all, everybody was there for them, when joseph was trembling for his defense, everyone was there, but when it was me whose upset, i find myself alone, why is that?

Right now i feel so selfish and self absorb that i thought all of that about you guys, when i should be blaming myself. I shouldn't have asked you to help me, i shouldn't have asked you all to be there for me. I shouldn't have asked you to care. I shouldn't have asked for you friendship.I once fought for the thought that being a good friend is not an obligation or responsibility, it's free will, not just being a good friend, but being a friend at all. I shouldn't have asked you for your friendship or your pity. I shouldn't have hoped for your friendship back in return of mine. That was so selfish of me. I always say (and i have mae at cha as witness) that for once i wanna be selfish and think about myself, for once. now i realize, i don't need to cross my fringers for it to happen cause i already am. i believe myself to be selfless cause i thought i did all of it for you without asking for anything in return. Then i realize i'm not so selfless after all. I was asking for your friendship in return. Which is so wrong (forgive me for all the rumbling and redundancy of thoughts, i write as i think)

With all of that in my thoughts, it was so hard for me to greet you in such a congratulatory tone with sincerity. I was half-hearted of wether i'll congratulate you or not. But i thought you deserve it all, so i set aside all my emotions and then go back before all of it happened. Before all of my issues happened. When i feel pride for your achievements. I go back at the time when i can still hear those music. That's what made me great you on your grad day. I was decided to come to the swimming party, but not to celebrate, but to bid my goodbyes to every single one of you. I wanna say sorry for everything. Want you to remember me as you always did. I would like to apologize for everything, i never wanna make an issue. It was my problem in the first place. it wasn't yours. in the first place. It wasn't yours to help or support me for. It wasn't my choice. I have no right to be mad at all. It have no right to any of your choices in life. I guess am just disappointed for myslef. Cause i thought i was enough. I enough that i never have to ask, and in this case beg. I felt pity for myself. I'm so lost that i have to beg for people to care. i have to beg for everyone else's friendship. Gaya nga ng sabi ni mummie Bei, maxado namang malaki yung hinihingi ko. I wasn't ask'n for you to give up your future. You have nothing to loose naman eh. I was just hoping that since you are moving on to the next level of your life, maybe for once i could have that support i know i never had. that maybe for once i could get that last help i ever asked for. I was asking for your support, a simple signature's not gonna hurt you. But not doing so sure did hurt me. But it wasn't your burden to bear right? I should be accountable for to it all. Maybe i should just accept that i will never be enough to anyOne. And i will never be that person people would come running for to help when am down. i have to accept that i will never ever be enough. Maybe i should really have to bear all the consequences. Maybe i should just face this on my own. I guess i never really did ask for your support, i was asking for your friendship. But yes, i guess am just not enough. If i'am i shouldn't have to ask right? if i'am i need not beg, right? if i'm i shouldn't have to plead my case, the meer fact that i need help should be enough, right? but i guess i just wasn't. But you can't blame me for trying. Maybe even my pipe dream is broken. I'am so sorry. hindi naman ako umiiwas. Madami lang talaga ko ginagawa nung mga panahon n yun. That's when i realize na 'bakit p ko pupunta? why do i have to? i shouln't be begging right?'. The I remember that beig a friend is not an obligation, it's a choice, so it is your choice. It's your choice to be my friend. It's free will right? If you choose not too, maybe everything i'am is not worthy for it. But worry not, i'm still the friend you had. I'm just not that person you knew before. I promised to give you my friendship forever, and i intend to keep that promise. I'm not gonna lie. I can say that I'm not ok, that am not fine. I'am making this blog cause i mean all of it. I'am making this blog cause i missed out on the opportunity to bid my goodbye in person. (again sorry for that, i got mixed up with the date, and i promised my friend that i'll be there for her when she take her board exam, i didn't choose between you guys and her, i just made her a promise long before i decided to come to that swimming party) And that is one thing i'll regret forever. Cause that might not have been that last time we'll meet but it was my last chance to bid my goodbyes. Also I'am writing this cause i promised pam that i will explain meself, In time. It might've been late but i found this the right time. I already said my goodbye to her and it was her whom i frist informed of what i've decided to do.

this might be the most stupid thing i'll ever do, it might be wrong, and it's certainly one of the hardest thing i'll ever do in my life, but i'm bidding you all farewell. (nope this isn't a suicide note) This will be it. I'am closing my doors. Though i accepted that it was all my fault, it still hurts me. it is too painful for me to accept that i never mattered to anyone. it is too painfull to accept that i've never adn never will be enough. And if i stay in contact with you all, i will just be remindid of how pathetic i'am. Yah, maybe you're right, that i'm building a wall around me. But i'm not gonna force you to get through it. It's your choice. I'am closing my doors but am not gonna ask you to come knocking, it's still your choice. I know if nobody came knocking, it will hurt me more, cause by that, i'll know am not really worth anything, but i'd rather be inside that wall keeping everything out so i won't hurt them. I maybe the weirdest person you'll ever know, and inside my head is the last thing you'll ever wanna be. I know am different. Maybe, that is it, the reason why no one can ever appreciate and understand me, but i can't change who i'am for people to care. Again, free will. When i everybody feel that they'd rather go first than see everyone they cared for go (and by go, i mean die), i'am the one thinking the opposite, i'd rather see everyone around me go cause i'd rather feel the pain of every loss than any of those whom i care for feel the misery of loosing someone. i'd rather endure the pain of seeing everybody go than be the first to go knowing that they'll everyone i cared for face the cruelty of life and the pain of loss. If i can take all the pain you all have to endure, i will.
That's why am saying my farewell. Cause i'd rather suffer this pain alone than to bother you about my pain. Than to have you thinking of what could be of me. That's why i wanna say goodbye, cause i know if you know nothing what become of me, wether i end up begging for food in the street or i wind up helpless, you won't have to feel sorry for me. It's enough that i feel pity for myself.

but i wanna say something to each of you so i'll write it here as well.

first i'd like to thank Clarize, i know i've known them longer than i've known you, but you were one of the first few to help me be who i'm to this class. Before i met you, i never even had the chance to talk to all of this guys. I will never forget everything you ever did to me. It never fails to give me smiles, the thought of what was it back then, the lugaw moments, walang ligo gumagawa ng visual tech habang umuulan, walang tulog n nagkukulay ng bubong, you're the first person in this class that i ever go watching a movie with, remember my birthday? the Island. You and Aries, and my fhigh school friend? i'll always remember the days. everytime we walk pass by your dorm, you always go inside to sleep, and me and Jose will just make fun of you while we two walk to our classroom, and then wait for you to make fun of you more. But one thing i'll never forget was nung nagpabili ako sau ng lugaw when i was very sick that i can't barely stand. I never thank you enough, and no, i'am. Thank you for all the laughter.

Charity, with you i don't know how to start. after everything i've said. Alam ko ilang beses ako nagalit, nagtampo sau. At alam ko me mga nasabi akong masakit. and for that 'am really sorry. sa lahat ng tao dito, you never left me. I may not be your Maine, am not the person you talk to about everything, and if everybody here think they've seen me grouchy, am pretty sure that was nothing compared to how grouchy you've seen me become. Still you're still there. I don't know how to return you all the favor, but i promise you, one day, one day i will. You are one person i'll forever be greatful for. marami akong kasalanan sau and after everything, you were still there. Cha, please don't be ashamed to ask me for help. You know i'll be there if you need me. Sometimes i wanna be there fo r you, i just don't know how cause i don't know what it is you are going through. I'am so sorry for everything and i so thank you.

Mae, i know i've been mean to you one too many times. every conversation we have either will end to an arguement or a fight. I know. I know you've been through something that i'll never understand. the other day, when we were talking online, i really was there to tell you something. And this is it. for the longest time, i never make an account sa facebook. I only made one cause i heard about you nung nagkita kami nina Xian, and they said n sa facebook k lang active. I was there cause i made you a promise once. Even though you bail on me on too many times to be with your guys, i promised to be there when he isn't or even if noBody is. I came there not to give you some sort of lecture or argue. I made the account so even in the smallest way, i can be there. And remember then i was tryiing to tell you something, but then again, you trashed me, i was sincerely and honestly not there to argue. I wasn't trying to make a point and then tell you how wrong your deciXons are. I was there cause i wanna tell you about this then and there. Cause i'd rather you learn bout this from me, than you read about this here. I told you i made a decision. I decided to move on. An this is it. Don't worry am not gonna bit you farewell yet, not till you graduate, i promised to helped you all right. So maybe this is my worth right now. I promised to help you go through these this time and i intednto keep it. Do not hesitate to ask or anything. Worry not i also intend to keep tha promise i gave you then, what you did to cha on her thesis, when you showed up on her doorstep, remember i promised to forget everything that had happened. You can hold on to that promise, this will be thelast time i ever mention of waht had happened before. Lahat yun, incae you've forgotten, ung me moment sa chair office. Zip, if you need me never hesitate to knock on my door. I'll just be here. I Promise, and stop saying sorry, you don't have to.

Elgo, i know am not the closest person to you at the time, i may not know everything about you, but i still haven't forgotten when you first arrive sa section one. Alam ko tayo yung mga outcast, you, me and jocelyn. But for me it was fun. Ikaw nga lang ata nakasagot kung sino yung magiisang member ng coven ko, hindi k kasi sumali sa min ni jocelyn eh, para nakapagtayo tau ng weirdo society. I'm sorry for all the pressure i have to put you sa cafa week. You know naman how desperate i was then that i forgot to congrotulate yun sa thesis. actually we learnd before you, the moment i saw yer name there i couldn't be happier for you (sorry kung hindi xa super proud moment for me, there's something that trashes that moment more than anything eh) I know you deserve it all. You are one of the smartest person i know. And thank you for everything. Lalo n sa cafa week. Kahit hindi k n obliged to do that you stilll bother yourself. And you and pam are those few who never failed to notice and ask me how i am. Thank you for that.

Carlo, i know we never had that great friendship moment, but if there are things i wanna say that i know you've never heard form me. Remember that open forum? planning days, yung tayong tatlo ni mummie bei nasa top 6. Well, it was quite funny. I remember us talking bout it kina jenny, and you never say a word about it. We actually was talking bout you, kami nina mummie bei. You're on that list for one reason and one reason right, cause they say you are too bosy and all, and you never let anyone speak or you never listen to anyone else but yourself. Sorry if i didn't speak then, i would've defy their words. If there is something they never saw in you was who you are when you listen. I know how important our rebecca group to the rest of us. Even i was feel proud at the time. It's one group i've been where every words matters, doesn't matter whose is it. Actually i never felt that it was you and I who argued most time, i think it was mummie Bei and I. But if there is something they've never seen is that they most certainly can trust you. i have to admit that i was one of those who judge you before. sorry for that, and thank you that you trusted me. and the rest of us for that matter.

Maine, i have to admit, there are still moment that i feel awkward around you. I know am not your charity. We wouldn't even be close if it wasn't for cha, but after all this years, i know you are one person i could talk to that i most certainly know would listen. I know you've been friends with cha for a long time, you've been with mar for the longest tiem as well, but i believe i haven't shown you or have i said any of my gratitude to you for welcoming me to your life. Tandem n nga kayong tatlo, i know i can never beat that friendship, but i'm still greatful. I may never be as close to you as you are to cha, but you matters to me as much as she is and as much as everybody else does. And i can't even begin to thank you and you're family for being so welcoming, kahit mga aso mo chummy. Thanl you.

Jean, i know we haven't been friends that long, but i swear, (you have charity as my winess) isa ka sa paborito kong tao sa section n to, actually ikaw nga paborito ko eh. I see a great deal from you. I even envy you for being you. You are one of the best person i ever met. With all of you courage. Dear, isa ka sa pinaka masipag at matapang n tao n kilala ko. And for that saludo ko sayo. Idol nga kita eh. I know we've only been roomMates for a short time, kasi most times wala ka, at pag andun ka, wala ako. Pero you made my stay there worth the while. Hanggang ngaun humahanga pa rin ako sau. And i'am one person who believe how great you are. Maybe you don't shre me much of your life, i know behind all that laughter you have to endure something. Ang hindi ko lang matanggap, sa sobrang galing mo nahuhulaan mo yung joke ko. Pano mo naisip yung urban planning at family planning? hindi ko p naman pinakikita sayo yung video ko? pero to be honest, i'm thankful for everything, i'm thankful for the mere fact that i met you. Thank you dear.

Arn, alam ko sa lahat ng tao sa section one, you were the very first person i ever had conflict with. Vigan. remember. But i never regreted that instance. cause i can say that that moment is what brings us closer. Again i'm not the person you are closest to, you're not the person closest to me either, but I can see how you appreciate people and am thankful that you open you life to us. I know you are not the smartest or brightest person here, but all you're works paid off great. Isa k sa pinakamasipag n tao sa section one. and for that hanga ako sau. i do wish you well, and thank you for trusting me and believing in what i can do. Thank YOu.

Mean, a lot of people i know wondered how in the world did i ever befriended you. (well, maybe just cha). When i first saw you, i never thought as well that we'd be this close. The first time that you became my classmate, i think for the whole sem i've talked to you only twice. first was when you asked me kung tapos n ko sa plate ko and the second was when i congratulated you for winning ms.Cafa.I never thought we could've something in common. To tell you frankly, i never thought we'd be friends cause i never thought of you to be a smart person, not til i saw you reading a novel, which as far as i know, sa buong section one, only miah does passionately. First i thought you read only the chummy love story novels, which by the way is still to pathetic for me. But then i got to know you and to tell you frankly, you are one of those na i believe to be at the level of my brain capacity, well, not all of it, what you passion you obviously have for fashion i never have and i made up with what i know is far more that i should know (obssessive ako, kung alam nyo lang how super fanatic i'am, lalo n pag me nakakuha ng attention ko) anyway, i know you don't believe much in what you can do, pero ako i do. i was surprise when you entrust me with your secrets. And for that i'am so greatful. You're the first person to ever say to me the word "i'am your friend". That is why i trusted you with what i never usually speak off. (don't worry mae, lahat ng alam nya, mas marami ka alam) alam mo naman kung ano yung mag issue ko nung cafa week, i openly said it to you before. Since i've never heard form you since then, i'll bid my adieu here n rin sau. Thank You.

Jenny, oh jen, isa ka sa mga taong tumatak sa kin. You're the baby of the class. I sometimes envy your innocence that i hope i could have that. And you're family is one i envy most, though i love my family so much i wish we could be like you guys. Well, not the clutsyness and all, but i've seen you'r parents together, and i can't help but be envious of your life. Your parents should be proud that they sure raised such a fine person. See, i told elgo, him being in the top ten wasn't the proudest time i felt for any of you guys. If i count how many moment that i realy really felt the pride i'd still be able to pick out my top on the list. i remember seeing elgo on the stage singing, and seeing how far he'd come, how he'd over come the fear. i remember watching mean and jean defend their thesis, and i said to myself, this two could do it without my advice, they just keep on asking, but there is one thing that almost made me break out into tears. That's when i replayed the tape of teh cafa model search and i saw you there. I swear it's like seeing my sister graduate on dean's list. It's something i can't explaine. I was so proud of how far you've come, You're our baby. sa Rebecca, you're the only person we never bother if you fall asleep cause we know you need it. And i'am so greatful the i met someone like you. Nagiisa k lang.

Mummie Bei, i'm gonna say teh same thing i told maine, I'am not your clarize or am i maine's cha to you. We weren't even close then. But then i am very happy you welcomed me into your life. I couldn't be much happy. I'm happy thet even though you can say me everything you still open a part of your life and share it with me. I'd be happy to be part of your memories. And this as well, am gonna say and again, i still have Cha as my witness. There are very few person that i believed to be so clever that they could've the same thought or perspective as i have, and that would be Mean and you. Sometimes you speak of some thoughts before i could say it. Like how Mean know i would say such stuff so she'll say it first. There are very few people whom i believe had the level of thinking as i do. bihira lang ang taong gaya ko. And i think you are one of those people. I'm not sure how to explain it all, but that is one thing i'm so glad to have learned. I'm very thankful for you being just you. being mummie bei. I don't care how many people call you bea, you might be clarize's only 'insan' but you willl always be mummie bei to me. Thank You

Iowa, sa inyong tatlo ikaw lang yung hindi ko agad na kaclose. Pero you once showed me your greatness. isa k sa pinakahonest n taong nakilala ko. I might not have known you as much as Jen or Jean, but i do see a great deal from you. I'm humbled by your honesty at sa laht nga katapangan na naipakita mo. for that humahanga ko sau. i hope you know how great you are. Thank you for all the laughters. Thank you

Charlon, I know of all ikaw yung takot sa kin. Natatakot ka masigawan ko, at natatakot k n lumapit. you are one mysterious person that i can never figure out. At first i did found you annoying and incredibly corny. Pero if there is something i saw in you and that am a hundred percent sure off, is that you have the longest patience and you are one tought cookie with that pride of yours. But eventually i learned to laugh with the others. Though you are still the mysterious one, i can't still figure you out, pero nakita ko kung gano ka kasipag n tao. and i respect your privacy. I knoe your a good person, and i am so greatful someone like you existed. Thank You.

Mar, i know we;ve never been that close, infact i believe we wouldn't even have the chance to talk if it wasn't for maine, at sa ex mong si Cha (yan kinalat ko na) kidding aside, i know i haven't seen the whole perspective of who you are, but as far as some of you know, i respect people who can define what good movie is. I know pagdating jan magkaiba pa rin tau ng point of view, kung n bore k sa Atonement (i like it) i was so frigg'n depress to have seen Beowulf. even with that difference, i still found you smart, very few people can appreciate what a good story is. Plus you are one of the most clever person i know, with that intense sense of you where, well, the's proof enough onhow you mind works. And i totaly respect that. Still, Thank you for everything, i know most times i'd say am thankful i'd known you and maine, most times you've been counted as one, but this time am not gonna do that. This time i'd like to thank you as who you are, sure as hell i appreciate you both as two differnet individual. Thank you.

Ticoy, mastr ticoy. to be honest, if i found charlon annoying then, you i found arrogant. I never really got to know you until tropical, And i was surprised of what i saw in you. sa buong section one, ikaw lang ang nakilala ko na magaling bumasa ng tao. What i thought noone else notice you see it in keen details. But it wasn't what made you great, not even how good you are in artistic manner, i found you great cause i see something from you. I see how you trusted people. I still hear people see you as the arrogant guy from shooting basketballs. like they said, "don't judge the book by it's cover". I know others might've thought how come you're the 'pastor' i mentioned on that sleezy quiz online. It's cause of one scenenario nung tropical days, n nagkukentuhan tau nina pam. And you say something i never though would come from you. And tha't how i know you're a great person. And you believe in people on what they can do and who they can be. Knowing you isn't something i'd say i'am grateful for, it's something i'm honored to be. Seeing who you are is a priviledge and an honor. So Thank you for trusting me, and the everybody else.

Lei, sa lahat ng babae sa section one, you i know the least. I don't know why but we just never had the chance to be that. What i know of you is what i hear from them. But for the very few moments we ever did talk, it make a mark on my calendar. Not cause it's been meaningful or so memorably, it's just the mere fact that we still share this part of the world. Even by knowing you i'am thankful, Even though i won't have the biggest role in you book of memories, i'll be glad to share that few moments with you.

Mek, i know sa lahat ikaw yung hindi tumitigil sa pagpuri sa mga gawa ko. I may notbe worthy of that but i'm still greatful. I know i've used this word one too many time in this whole writing. But with my sincerest of words i mean all of them. if i found them masiga, ikaw n siguro ang pinaka efficient n tao n nakita ko. If i'll be asked of the question if ever i'll be stranded on an island, which of you guys i'll bring, if i wanna live, it'd be you. i would trust you my life. I know you can do anything. I see greatness in you. Hindi ako manghuhula pero i just do. People like you deserve success. And Thank you for trusting me.

Sef, sef, ikw, you're one of a kind. I know i'll never ever met anyone like you. You have the longest patience anyone ever had as far as iknow people. Isa k sa pinaka mabait n tao na nakilala ko. And i know everybosy loves you, so do i. I don't know what else to tell you. You've been great. I know if anyone needs comfort and if all they want is serenety, they could come to you and just feel safe. I know you deserve more. Thank you for everything.

Pam, i dunno what else to say to you, maliban sa kanilang lahat, ikaw lang yung nakausap ko about this. And as far as i know nasabi ko n sau yung gusto ko sabihin. Matalino kang tao pam, i just want you to know that. Kulang ka lang sa confidence. Don't put everyone else around you on the pedestal. YOu'r good, infact you'r far mor clever than most of this guys. Again i'd like to thank you for the concerns. remember when i said to you that you see what others mostly doesn't. ye see, you are the one person who never fail to ask the question "how are you" / "musta ka na" whenever you see people. Like me you are not the small talk type of person. You're the conversation type, so everytime you open you're mouthe this is a story ly'n in there. Maybe you just don't notice it. but i do. I'am thankful that. evrytime n kinakamusta mo ko, that means soemthing to me. Par kang si ticoy eh, you see what others don't usually see. I know we've had our differences. And i know for certain, i saw it in our last conversation, when you said that yer trying to be neutral cause you heard both sides, i know a huge part of you is siding with them. Again pam, i never ask you guys to give up anything, you have nothing to loose, i was just asking you to maybe give me something. But then again, i understand you. And am not mad, i thought it was classy of you for holding back. and t doesn't change all the fact that it told you then. just believe in yourself.

Mark, now i know we've had our differences, and yet i do know i may me the person in this class who knows you the least. All i can say is that it had been so nice knowing you. I may not be one form your crowd but maybe you're that fun as a company that people loves to stay with you. Still, thank you for being part of my life.

Ate Mye, when i went back sa section one, isa k sa mga unang nakausap ko. And i know isa rin ako sa mga una mong nakilala. I know i've never been a great friend or a person to you. But i'm so thankful i was able to trust you. I was able to trust you with things noe everybody knows. hindi ko alam kung galit ka b sa kin dahil sa lahat ng nangyari. I never meant for it too happen. Again, am sorry if i asked for you guy's help. That was my mistake. I just never thought about it as it is. I shouldn't have done that. I never should've hope for any of you to be as i'am. Changes is something i could never ask anyone do for me. But then again, sorry, and thank you.

Migs, right now i dunno what to say to you. Aside form the fact that i know yer not gonna read this or does it still matter to you at all. But this i gotta say to you. I know you are one person who've trusted me with so much. Kahit me mga moment n nakakagalit ka, you still trust me and believe what i can do. I m thankful that for a certain period i was able to trust you with bits of my life. You're an old soul and that's what makes you who you are. Thank you for everything.

Xian, hay naku xian, sa section n to hindi lang si charlon ang one in a million, there is still you. You are one person i can honestly say i have the hardest time being serious. MAybe it's your aura maybe its' just you. Pero if there is one person whocentainly knows a lot about me, it's you, well you do know a lot bout everyone else. You knwo what xian, that ability of yours could be very helpful if you could channel it into something productive and sure it will be you're biggest success. Pero seriously kung confidence din lang, marami k nun. You just need to dig deeper to see more.

There are very few that i never really gotten to know. Kenneth, kahit magkababayan tau, we never got the chance to socialize. Same goes to miah, i know we have soemthing in common, Iglesia, your so a book enthusiast, am a book lover(di p enthusiast eh) but we never got the chance, but what i see through others i believe your a great a person, you ought to be cause sure are hell they love your company. Still, same goes to Michael and also to KR, we're just too indifferent being and the odds are low. We never got the chance to be close. But still, thank you guys.

I wish you all the best. This is where my door closes. I know i will be happy to welcome anyone who knocks at my door. It there isn't one, i'll accept it, kahit masakit tanggapin, i guess, am just gonna have to accept it. This is where i was suppose to introduce the video, but apparently, the video went out before the blog. See, have i not told you twice i live vicariously through music. This is tha song that i was suppose to deliver before the graduation. I even thought maybe i'd send it to mark so you'd have something to watch on your birthday. I know i might have said a lot whit everything i just said, but it's not everything i wanted to say. That is why i continue to make the video. And there is one reason why i put on the lyrics, beacuse tieh pctures people tend to just watch it not listen to it.

SHINE ON by Needtobreathe
(and let the other's see, you've got your victory, will you remember me)
That is why i chose the song. Because then i want you to have something to be reminded me of. Now it doesn't matter, am not gonna ask for that. It'll be hard to accept that you've been forgotten but in time i'll learn.

It's ONLY LIFE by Kate Voegele
(take your hesitance and your self-defence, leave them behind, it's only life.
don't be so afraid of facing everyday, just take your time, it's only life,
i'll be you're stepping stone, don't be so alone, just hold on tight it's only life)
That's the reason for that music. Like i said i was so deeply hoping you could say the same thing to me as much as i mean to say it to you guys.

I still have something on my sleeves i just can't make myself finish it cause i can;t hear the music. And there is something am looking for i can't seem to find. I sure hope i find it... I know some of you have seen the videos. For thos who haven't i suggest you watch it so you'll know what am trying to say.

here are the links:
http://cacay21.multiply.com/video/item/10
http://cacay21.multiply.com/video/item/11
http://cacay21.multiply.com/video/item/12

download links:
http://www.4shared.com/file/109822438/48639b2b/ARKistic_Journey__Part_1_.html
http://www.4shared.com/file/109822443/90f0d464/ARKistic_Journey_Part_1__Alternate_version_.html
http://www.4shared.com/file/109996349/46845e1c/ARKISTIC_Venture__Arki_Uno_Part_2_.html



(by the way, sorry kung me mga typo error or wrong grammar, i write this whole thing for the whole what, 7-8hrs.)
so this is it. Thank you for everything else. Maybe one day i'll be enough for any of you, who knows.

GOODBYE

_BLeSSeD Be_
"the sparrow had flown out"

INVISIBLE Blogger

i think am the only blogger who doesnt have any follower, doesnt have any contact, and nobody reads my posts. Ain't that sad. Right now, am having a writer's block, though am not a writer. Am blocked out.